Defence Against the Dark Arts tryouts
by beorn J
Summary: Dumbledore tries to find the new DADA teacher. There are some crazy try-outs including BATMAN! and cheerleader Ron. Monty Python quotes included
1. Intro

Dumbledore sighed. He had given up hope of ever finding a new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher. He had put ads in Daily Prophet ad still no one contacted him. There was only one thing left to do. Run a nation wide contest to find the best man (or woman) for the job.  
  
[2 months later]  
  
"Get lost Voldy." Sneered Dumbledore as the Dark Lord walked into the audition room.  
  
"Oh please." Begged Voldemort.  
  
"Look get out of here before I notify the aurors."  
  
"Fine" Sulked Voldemort as he walked out of the room muttering something about a "stoopid headmaster".  
  
Dumbledore sighed as he remembered that he was yet to come across a witch or wizard here that could perform any sort of magic, in fact he presumed that they were all muggles seeking fame and fortune in one of the next Harry Potter movies.  
  
"Lousy boy" Dumbledore thought, "thinks he's so good but he's just a stuck- up little brat who thinks he owns the school. Well there isn't anything I can do about it. After all he is the boy-who-lived-and-will-probably-defeat- the-dark-lord. Long title, I cant believe that's what he wants people to call him that now. What a loser"  
  
He shook his head of thoughts and called for the next wizard to come in. A man dressed in fine wizard robes walked in.  
  
"Name?" inquired Dumbledore.  
  
"My name is Lucious Malfoy. By day I am a death eater, loyal to the dark lord and his quest to seek immortality... BUT BY NIGHT I GO BY THE NAME OF....  
  
He ripped off his robes to reveal a black leather costume with cape  
  
"BATMAN!"  
  
"Oh brother" said Dumbledore sighed for the hundredth time that day. Luscious or...batman had now started to prance around the room like a little girl.  
  
"Nanananana BATMAN!"  
  
"Nanananana GET LOST." shouted Dumbledore back at him.  
  
Lucious's face fell and he walked at the room.  
  
"Next" shouted Dumbledore.  
  
A small man with a bowler hat walked in.  
  
"Name?" inquired Dumbledore.  
  
"My name...it's not important at the moment. What is important is that you listen to what I have to say. Luke, I am your father."  
  
"Idiot! Try-outs for the stage version of Star-Wars are four doors down. NEXT!"  
  
The man thanked Dumbledore and raced out of the room.  
  
"I need some coffee." Dumbledore said to no one. He got out his wand, muttered a few words and a cup of coffee appeared on a tray. He sipped it as the next person walked in. Dumbledore choked on his coffee, it was Ron dressed up in cheerleader uniform and holding yellow pom-poms.  
  
"Gooooooooo Gryffindor!" shouted Ron in his best cheerleader voice.  
  
Dumbledore pointed next door.  
  
"Cheerleader try-outs are over there Mr. Weasley"  
  
"Oh.... Sorry bout that Professor." Muttered Ron and he hurried out of the room.  
  
Dumbledore took another sip of his coffee and shouted "Next!" 


	2. Dedalus

In walked a person under a hood.  
  
"What is your name old witch?"  
  
"I'm a wizard" replied the old witch, I mean old wizard.  
  
"Ok then, what is your name old wizard?"  
  
"I'm 35! I'm hardly old." said the old wizard who wasn't that old, apparently.  
  
"Well I couldn't have just called you wizard"  
  
"You could have called me Dedalus."  
  
"Well I didn't know your name was Dedalus."  
  
"Well you didn't bother to find out did you?"  
  
"I did! I asked what your name was!"  
  
"Well who are you"  
  
"I'm Dumbledore, headmaster of the wizards."  
  
"I don't remember voting for you."  
  
"You don't vote for a headmaster."  
  
"Then how did you become one?"  
  
"Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic held forth the acceptance parchment and told me to rule Hogwarts."  
  
"Listen, just because some old fart threw you an old piece of paper doesn't mean that you should be headmaster."  
  
"Im getting sick of you. Goodbye!" As he said that Dumbledore flicked his wand and Dedalus was thrown out as if an invisible hand was dragging him out the door.  
  
"Help me! I'm being oppressed."  
  
Dumbledore flicked his wand again and he was dragged further.  
  
"NEXT!" 


	3. Voldemort

Dumbledore stood in Wizengamot, accused of the most horrible crime.  
  
"We hereby sentence you to death for uttering the name of the dark lord"  
  
"Look, I had a very crap dinner and all I said to my wife was that that dinner was good enough for Voldemort"  
  
The crowd shrieked in triumph.  
  
"He said it again! Did you hear him?" said the prosecutor  
  
"Yes! Cried the jury.  
  
"I don't see what's wrong with saying Voldemort." Shouted Dumbledore.  
  
"You're only making it worse for yourself."  
  
"Worse? How could it be worse? Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort (Dumbledore started to dance) Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort."  
  
"If you say Voldemort ONE MORE TIME!"  
  
A spell raced across the room and hit him hard on the chest.  
  
"Alright who was that? Who did that?"  
  
Everybody in the room pointed to Percy Weasley. The prosecutor walked over to him.  
  
"Did you do that?"  
  
"Yes, well you did say Voldemort"  
  
Everyone in the jury pointed there wands at Percy and hexed him until he died.  
  
Harry walked into the room and cheered when he saw Percy lying on the floor dead.  
  
"Stop it, STOP IT! Now no one is to hex anyone. Even if, and I want to make this perfectly clear, even if they do say Voldemort."  
  
Everyone, including Dumbledore hexed him.  
  
The room erupted in cheers.  
  
A loud noise awoke Dumbledore from his sleep 


	4. Hagrid

Dumbledore looked aroun for the source of the noise but he could not find one.  
  
"is it an earth quake? Or a volcanic eruption?" Dumbledore thought out loud.  
  
"No!" said a big booming voice. "Its Fat Hagrid!"  
  
"Hagrid?" Said Dumbledore (totally confused about why Hagrid was applying for the Defence Against the Dark Arts job when he already was a teacher, and why Hagrid was completely naked)  
  
"Um.ok Hagrid" Said Dumbledore, trying not to look at Hagrid below the waist, "Why should I appoint this job to you?"  
  
"Coz im dead sexy! Sexy man, sexy man." Upon saying that Hagrid started to dance. His dance was so horrifying that Dumbledore sent an Avada Kedavra curse at him.  
  
"What an eccentric interview."  
  
AN: I know this is short but ive been really busy lately and I wanted to add this. If u wanna see someone try out then tell me in ur review and ill see if I can. Thanx for ur review! 


End file.
